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Is there anyone else who's too in love with beauty?

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hawkorhandsaw

Come and behold him,
Born the king of having relations with your mom.

O Come All Ye Faithful
from the Christmas Song Generator.

Get your own song :


Last Christmas I gave you my banging dudes
But the very next day you gave it away.

Last Christmas
from the Christmas Song Generator.

Get your own song :

Because I'm a follower, I took the personal dan test
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hawkorhandsaw
People tell me things about myselfCollapse )

The horrors of Youth
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hawkorhandsaw
Posts about bullying are flooding LJ these days, and I wanted to have something to say, but despite being bullied a little here and there, my problems had less to do with bullying than with feeling alone.

It would be easy to say that it started when my parents got divorced and we moved from milwaukee to louisville, moving when you're 12 is awful, but when I'm being honest with myself I can admit it goes back a lot further than that. I know that when I was pretty young, like third grade or so, I felt separated from the rest of my class. I grew up in a small town, and outside of my closet friend, I didn't know anyone I didn't go to school with so this felt pretty immense. I honestly have no idea how I was thought of in my class. There are times when I felt like a part of the group and there were times when I definitely felt like I wasn't welcome. (There were only two groups and either you were a part of the kids who were cool or you weren't. In a class of 28 there isn't a lot of room for multiple cliques).

I know that I never felt like I was really accepted in the group. I was on the fence and sometimes it was okay to be my friend and sometimes it was necessary to tease me and all that. I think that a lot of my feelings of anxiety and my little abandonment issues come from not knowing from day to day whether i would be playing football with the cool kids or I would be getting taunted.

Moving to louisville created a whole new set of issues. I basically hit puberty right afterwards and going through that without my dad around (to tell me it was normal and not to worry) and without any friends who i could see were having trouble (since we moved) built up a lot of frustration in me. But mostly it was the endless feeling of not being a part of anything. I went to school, I came home, I did homework, and I played video games and learned how computers worked. There was very very little of spending time with my peers outside of school, I definitely didn't have anyone who was really a friend when I was in middle school.

And that continued until I was a junior in high school. Basically, for 4 or 5 years I felt like an island. An overused metaphor maybe, but I didn't feel like a part of anything or connected to anyone. It was just me, reading books and being alienated. A pretty normal story, but I think it's one thats overlooked when we talk about how kids are feeling when they're in middle school and high school. Just because a kid isn't being bullied doesn't mean they don't feel miserable and depressed. It doesn't mean that they don't have suicidal thoughts. And it certainly doesn't mean that they're okay. Just because nothing obviously is going wrong, because they aren't being picked on, bullied, or harrassed doesnt mean that things are going well.

I don't want to take anything away from people that were treated terribly. Who faced terribly bullying and harassment. Physical and emotional abuse. I just wanted to remind everyone that loneliness and isolation can be just as damaging. And just looking for people who face obvious hardship can mean not noticing the people who are suffering in silence.

Looking back, it seems like I spent years just floating through school walls unseen and unwanted. I'm at least a little lucky I made out of high school alive. Not because of how horrible I was treated, or how bad it was, but because the loneliness was terrifying and I didn't think it would ever end.

Thankfully, it did.

This seems about right
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hawkorhandsaw

I write like
Mark Twain

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!



A Decade in Review
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hawkorhandsaw
2000: It started with my first girlfriend breaking up with me after new years. it really was for the best and i'm glad i got to enjoy some of my freshman year without a girlfriend. then a few months later, my frenemy told me she wanted to rock my jock and after putting in some effort, she did so (and was the first to do so). she eventually cheated on me with her mr. burns ex (who she broke up with to date me) and lied to me about it until her DAD had to tell me.

in response i fucked a gypsy lesbian in a hotel. it worked out pretty well, all told.

i returned to school, got a house with two of my friends, and changed my major (compsci to fiction writing).

2001: amy and i dated for most of this year before breaking up because she wasnt dealing with some of her own shit. i saw a bunch of concerts and threw a bunch of parties, and yet i have little to say about this year. and the only really good story i have is my roommate dated a crazy chick who ended up trying to kidnap him (sort of) and led to him breaking his ankle on halloween. god i hated her.

2002: at this point, i started dating the chick that amy was REALLY worried about me spending time with while we were dating (nothing happened, but obviously both of us wanted something to). that went REALLY well until she left for college, which was rough, but what are you going to do?

I turned 21, made out with 9 people on my birthday, had my girlfriend make out with me and one of my exes and me and my boss (female) and invite the boss to bed with us. i blacked out and apparently got head from a lesbian and then put it in my gfs wrong hole (which apparently was fine).

that was a hell of a birthday.

2003: started going to bars quite a bit, didn't date any body til the end but was definitely taken home a few times.

then i started dating mer, which i think was just an attempt to have some stability while i finished up college. also, she nearly initiated a threesome with me and one of my coworkers. that would have been...interesting....

2004: Mer and i moved to chicago, she flipped her shit like it was a pancake. she blew her college loan on blow, told all of our friends that we were broken up and slept with a few of them, didn't pay for shit, didn't clean shit, and threatened to kill me. though that last part didn't happen until the beginning of-

2005: mer moved back to arizona, got engaged, got addicted to heroin, and dropped off the face of the earth. i started up at columbia getting my master's. things went pretty well except for that threat against my life. fell back in love with one of my exes, tried to make the LD worked, failed. started working for the hotel, cause i love graveyard shifts.

2006: did anything interesting happen in 2006? i don't remember anything special going on. i imagine i wrote things, worked hours, and tried to get laid. does this make it different from other years? yes. because it was butt-ass cold.

2007: finished up school, other than my thesis, dated the model, and started working at local launch. all told, things were pretty good, except that the model wanted me to punch her in the face during sex. and then called me a faggot when i told her that punching her would kill my erection.

somehow we kept dating.

2008: started sort of seeing a coworker. by seeing, i mean we would make out in the elevator and in the lobby of the building and making plans that she would inevitably break. she had a good reason fro breaking plans: she was engaged. and i was the other dude. i wonder how long it would have gone on if her fiance hadn't found the texts we were sending each other. which were more than friendly. i think springreleased1 was more upset than i was. i was just baffled. i mean, who would have thought that i would have been the "other man."

2009: lost my job, springreleased1 figured out that we were awesome for each other, she moved up here, i found a job, springreleased1 and i continue to be fucking awesome, best year of the decade.

Year In Review - Survey Style
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hawkorhandsaw
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

Visited Atlanta, drove more than 12 hours straight, had a long distance relationship that worked, got downsized.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t make new year’s resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A couple of people, actually.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no

5. What countries did you visit?

The south is a different country, right?

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

A stable job.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 5th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Convincing springreleased1 to fall for me. It took a lot of skill.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not finishing my book

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I don’t think so. I had a nasty fever one night.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I have no idea

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I…what? I have no idea.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The Cheney family.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Away

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

You want me to recount all of them? No.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Regina Spektor - Fidelity

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? Much happier.
ii. Thinner or fatter? Fatter
iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Writing. I’m closer to finishing my book than I’ll admit, and I need to start setting aside time to work on it.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Wasting time.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Xmas Eve – Milwaukee – Dad’s Family
Xmas 2: Xmas – Louisville – Mom and sister
Xmas 3: The Day After – Louisville – Dad and his gf
Xmas 4: Xmas in Space – Louisville – Friends - Beers

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

If you don’t know the answer to this, you don’t pay attention

22. How many one-night stands?

One

23. What was your favorite TV program?

How I met Your Mother

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Joe Lieberman

25. What was the best book you read?

Oh hell….uhm….I have no idea. Lots of them.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Apathy and Celph Titled

27. What did you want and get?

springreleased1

28. What did you want and not get?

A stable job situation.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

9 was good except for the moralizing.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

28. And I suited up with some friends and had fancy expensive drinks in a fancy famous place.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Unlimited ribs.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

I wouldn’t.

33. What kept you sane?

Constant planning on how to take over the world. Regular ideas for creative release (most unrealized). springreleased1

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Amy Adams

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Attempted revolution in iran, obama election

36. Who did you miss?

I don’t know. I miss a lot of people around the country all the time, but I wouldn’t move or anything

37. Who was the best new person you met?

I think it might be springreleased1, but if you have a better idea let me know.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

That it’s not in my control.

39. Song that sums up your year:

The Streets – Let’s Push Things Forward

(no subject)
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hawkorhandsaw
Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In July I gave pretzelcoatl a life-saving blood transfusion (50 points). In June I set meleth's puppy on fire (-66 points). In October I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). Last Monday I broke misslanchie's X-Box (-12 points). In May utterfolly and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points).

Overall, I've been nice (309 points). For Christmas I deserve an XBox 360!

Sincerely,
hawkorhandsaw

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

Computers cause the angry
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hawkorhandsaw
at some point yesterday, all hell broke loose on my home desktop. it froze up going into sleep mode, and now when it boots up it doesnt recognize the external hard drive and the cable modem cannot resolve the primary dns server.

apparently this is something vista does. it forgets how usb ports work when the system goes to sleep. hopefully some of the internet solutions will work. cross your fingers for me.

and if you've ever dealt with this nonsense, can you tell me how you fixed it?

Gotta job!
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hawkorhandsaw
So tomorrow, I start working for the chicago bears. I'll be working in their ecommerce department writing the descriptions for their online proshop place. it should really really awesome, if not REALLY cold.

US Reponse to Iranian Protests
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hawkorhandsaw
A lot of people are talking about what we/obama should be saying or doing about the protests going on. at least right now we shouldnt be doing a damn thing. obama's right that our involvement in any active way would be viewed very poorly both in iran and in the larger middle eastern world. that being said, there's an easy statement that obama should be making for us to the rest of the world.

"As Americans, we support the rights of anyone anywhere, from Texas to Tehran, to voice their opinions through nonviolent protest. We hold to the rights of all citizens to assemble, to speak, and to try to bring about change. We do not support violence perpetrated by protesters, and we strongly condemn any violence perpetrated by police, military, or any other governmental or quasi-governmental force. No one, in any free society, should fear speaking their minds even when it's a voice speaking against the government. We stand along side anyone who supports a citizens' right to speak, right to assemble, and right to make a stand."

?

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